how many whats until you give up on trying to hear what the person is saying
Story of my life.
Since i write better in english, today’s post will be especial just because.
Today is without a purpose, because i don’t have one anymore. This is my relapse.
There’s a phrase usually used on the U.S., that says “You are a hot mess”. Well, i might be hot, but i’m mostly a mess.
Life turns so quickly on me that i just got lost and not necessarily losing, on the contrary of the song. I’m just spinning around, no stop, and i’m leaving traces of me on the road.
My monster is coming back and i’m trying to fight it, but is so damn hard. And i realize is just the beginning but it will be getting worse just because my life is going downhill and backwards, and i feel it. I feel the symptoms, i know. And i already hear the people asking what’s wrong when i don’t eat, and when i’m not talking, not laughing, trying to hold tears every second. I know i’m stronger now because i have lived it before, but i also know that this time is coming back stronger, determined to crush me and i have no trip to save me this time, no Juan, no Sabana, no nothing. I have to get myself out before it begins, but that phrase is just wrong, and it’s too late because it’s already here.
"I don’t know how, why or when i ended up in this position i’m in."
I need a new outlet, but i don’t have any. College will be the only one, but that will mean isolation again and i don’t wanna leave my friends, i don’t wanna make them feel that i’m not taking care of them, but i don’t want the questions either.
Everything is so fucked up.
I have to return with my mother, but she makes drinking bleach look easy and delightfull, but my symptoms don’t go that far yet. On the inside i hope they never will. I have a boyfriend that makes me feel like shit and i’m with him just for the sake of comfort, and to see if i can learn that i cannot give everybody my everything, because nobody will apreciate it, and because i know that after we break up i’ll be alone for a long time.
One of my best friends told me yesterday that i deserve someone better, someone that takes care of me, that loves me, that treats me the way i want to, but i don’t feel like it right now. I have somebody that treats me the exact way i feel now. Like shit. And i try to think on the few times he has given me a little bit of something that looked like love, but that’s not enough anymore.
I don’t know how this is going to end, i just hope i can survive everything as long as i have to.
I’m not hot now.. i’m just a mess.